


five fingers, ten toes

by nohatoclato



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Babies, Kidfic, Not Canon Compliant, Steve has Infinity War Beard and Hair and Nat has Infinity War Hair, Takes Place in a Mixed Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 12:06:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18660103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nohatoclato/pseuds/nohatoclato
Summary: it started out badly, with three of his team being babies. it started that way.





	five fingers, ten toes

**Author's Note:**

> we're back! i thought to myself, "i don't want to write this anymore, it won't be any good. endgame is coming out and no one is going to want to read big six fanfiction anymore!" then i saw some endgame spoilers and i was filled with rage. this is my spite-writing. canon can go to hell. it's like that tumblr post said: "we were robbed of a found family". so i'm going to write one.

**September 19**

 

The party was pretty boring. Steve sat spread-eagle on the couch, staring up at a huge cloud of smoke, cigarette, cigar and other inhalants. It was definitely a hazard of some kind, he thought, his head swimming through the haze of Asgardian alcohol, but no one in the room was sober enough to give a shit. His glass was empty, his arm resting on the back of the couch, and he didn’t feel like getting up. 

 

Steve could barely hear the music, and he was far too old to know any of the songs. He strained his head to look over his shoulder at the adults crowded in the dining room. His eyes caught sight of Natasha, drunkenly struggling to keep one of the spaghetti straps of her dress on her shoulder, as she knocked some more drinks back, Thor loudly telling a story, ignoring Bruce’s full weight against his back, and Sam, whipping up more drinks to appease the masses. 

 

And Bucky. Not trusting enough to drink too much in front of people, but trying his best to be being as amiable as he could be. His hair was in a bun, and he was wearing a shirt that he had borrowed from Steve, that Steve let him keep. He was trying his best. Steve was ridiculously proud of his best friend, this was amplified by the alcohol in his system, that threatened to slowly tug his eyes shut.

 

He looked back at the other couch, where Dr. Cho was passed out, soundly. 

 

Steve stood up and stumbled to his room.

-

He woke up with a mild headache, something both unfamiliar and that he knew would be gone in a matter of minutes. There was pure silence outside of his bedroom door, replaced by the birds chirping outside of his window. He didn’t remember getting into them, but, for some reason, he was in his pajamas, his shirt riding up his stomach. He squinted at his watch. 9:04. Not late enough to be shameful, but not too early to be hellish.

As if it didn’t agree, a baby started crying somewhere in the tower.

 

_ Probably Clint’s littlest,  _ he thought.  _ Poor baby didn’t get enough sleep because of the party. _

 

He rolled over onto his back, and stared up at the ceiling. 

 

The baby cried for nearly 30 minutes more.

 

_ Where the hell is Clint?  _ Steve thought. Almost at the same time, he remembered,  _ Clint stayed home.  _

 

Cursing himself for his moment of stupidity, Steve rolled out of bed, pulling his shirt back down over his stomach.He stood in the hallway in confusion, using his supersoldier  ears to locate the source of the frenetic crying. With a feeling of dread, he realized it was coming from Bucky’s room, and he took off down the hall, anxious thoughts of  _ Bucky? Bucky’s baby? Bucky?  _

 

He didn’t even stop to knock, just burst through, stumbling upon the source: a pudgy, naked baby sitting in Bucky’s bed, staring up at him with big grey eyes. And, Steve realized with a sickened gulp, only one arm.

-

He scooped the baby up from the bed, and ran into the hallway, almost falling over when he smacked into Natasha, and the child trailing behind her. 

 

“He was in my room!” She said, tugging on the kid’s  hand to bring him forward into Steve’s vision. “He was eating my flat pretzels!”

 

The kid was barenaked, just like Bucky.

 

“He was in Bucky’s room,” Steve pointed to the baby, who was wriggling around in Steve’s grasp. “I heard him crying, I thought he was Clint’s.”

 

“It’s not,” Natasha said. “But where’s Bucky.”

 

As much as he wished he didn’t have to, Steve pointed to the baby.

 

“What?” Natasha said. “I said ‘where’s  _ Bucky?’” _

 

Steve gestured again.

 

Natasha’s mouth formed into a little ‘Oh’, and Sam came staggering around the corner. His eyes were practically shut against the light. In his arms was another chubby, naked baby, trying to get his fingers into Sam’s nostrils. He thrust out the baby for the rest of the team to see.

 

“I found him digging around in the bathroom trash when I went to...nevermind. I don’t know who his parents are.”  Sam slurred. He was still recovering from the night before. 

 

“It’s Banner,” Natasha tried to explain.

 

“Oh, good for him.” Sam mumbled, holding out the baby for someone else to take.  ‘He doesn’t have any clothes, or a diaper or anything, so be careful. I’m going back to sl-’

 

‘No,” Steve corrected. “The baby  _ is  _ Banner.”

 

Sam squinted in confusion, trying to determine if he was joking, but was met with solemn faces. In stunned silence, he  gave the baby a once over, taking in his dark, curly hair and big eyes.

 

“Oh, word?’ He finally said. He pointed to the rest of the babies. “For real? Who’s that?”

“Thor,” Natasha said,  simultaneously, Steve said, “Bucky.”

 

“Really?” Sam asked. “For real?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Huh.” Sam said. “Why?”

 

“We don’t know,” Natasha sighed, staring down at what could only be the baby-fied version of Thor.  “And that’s the mission.”

-

Natasha puttered around in kitchen (not cooking so much as burning the eggs and bacon) while Sam was nursing his hangover on the couch, and Steve was ringing Fury up at the dining room table. When she was finished poking at the barely edible breakfast, she doled it out on plates and squashed up the servings for the babies, and she carried the plates into the dining space where Steve was in the middle of a conversation with Fury over speakerphone.

 

As she set Steve’s plate down in front of him, Fury sighed, “So what do you want me to do about this?”

 

Natasha looked at the phone, though she couldn’t hear him, she was willing to bet that his expression was one of boredom and annoyance. 

 

“I was… well, I was hoping that you would know something about it?” Steve said, hopefully.

 

Natasha sat down at the free seat next to Thor, who wasn’t using his fork so much as he was shovelling the food into his mouth with his little hands. She stared in awe.

 

“Know something about this?” Fury spluttered in confusion and surprise. “Why would  _ I  _ know something about this?”

 

Steve rubbed his neck, prodding at the breakfast. “I thought that it- this just seems like- I thought you might remember a mission like this or something.”

 

“No.” Fury said. “I know about this as much as you do.”

 

Steve cleared his throat. “Okay. If you know something-”

 

“I don’t.” Nick repeated, his voice strained with annoyance.

 

“-please tell us.”

 

“I don’t mean to be particularly evil,” Nick said, the dampened state of his voice said that he was possibly far away. Or rubbing his beard, vigorously. “But you are the captain in this scenario. This scenario that I know nothing about, mind you.” 

 

Steve whipped out his phone. “I- I’m going to send you pictures, I guess.”

 

He snapped pics of each baby partaking of his meal. Bucky and Banner shared the same photo- Bucky stared dead into the camera, clutching a piece of bacon, Banner, was chewing on a large chunk of egg, and Thor, with his breakfast all over his face, gave a big smile and proudly showed off his fork. 

 

Steve sent the photos and waited for them to be received, perfectly still, like an animal in wait. Still, save for the mild snarling shape that his mouth took.

 

“Where did you find them?” Nick inquired, sounding like he was observing the photos.

 

“Well, I found Bucky in his bedroom,” Steve cleared his throat, and looked around at everyone else. He casted a glance to Sam passed out on the couch. “And Sam said that he found Banner crawling around on a bathroom floor. And Nat said that Thor was in her room.”

 

“In my closet!” Natasha complained, loudly.

 

Thor, giggled. His laugh pulled something deep in her gut, and despite herself, she flashed a quick smile at him.

 

Nick sounded like he was nodding when he gave a  _ hmm.  _ “Okay. How old are they?”

 

Everyone at the table gave an automatic look to the baby nearest to them, and Steve admitted, “They all kind of look like different ages.” 

 

“Thor is maybe three.” Natasha said.

 

“This has probably something to do with the party that we had last night,” Steve suggested. The use of alcohol and drugs during the night before had left a hazy spot on his memory. “I don’t know how.”

 

Nick said, “I’m sorry. I have no way to fix this, and I don’t have a clue where any of this could be coming from. So, if you have any ideas, call me back. If you don’t, I’m sending a team over and we’ll take them to a lab.”

 

That didn’t sit well with Natasha. “Don’t.”

 

Everyone at the table looked at her, and Banner gurgled loudly. She swallowed awkwardly, bracing the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach.

 

“Is that Nat?” Nick asked. “Nat is that you?”

 

Natasha gulped, her face feeling flush. “Yes! Sorry, Nick,” She stammered. “I don’t think that we should leave it up to the scientists.”

 

Nick asked, “And why not?” 

 

Suddenly feeling like the entire world had demanded an answer when she was put on the spot, Natasha thought of the truth behind her words. Her mind was filled with the morbid, yet familiar memories of being prodded at, and examined by doctors and specialists. She didn’t want her friends to feel the same way. 

 

The thought was almost maternal, Natasha came to realize.

 

“I just don’t think that I like the idea of those nerds poking at my friends.” She told him, and she felt glad that she did.

 

Though Nick sighed, Natasha knew the lengths to which their bond extended, and that he would understand. 

 

“Alright,” Nick agreed. “You can keep them, in the tower. But with constant surveillance, and they need to go into the lab for checkups every once in a while.”

 

Natasha realized that she was still standing up. “Yes, sir.”

 

“And you will call and check in with me every day.” Nick demanded. 

 

Natasha countered, “Every  _ week _ .”

 

“Natasha…” Nick warned.    
  


“It just- It seems like quite a lot of work.” Natasha objected, ignoring Steve’s pointed look that was practically saying,  _ What, is he your dad _ ? “I can’t call every day!”

 

“You ‘can’t’?”

 

“I don’t  _ want to _ .” Natasha shrugged, though she knew that he couldn’t see her.

 

“Fine.” Nick said. The sound of rustling on the other end hinted that he wasn’t exactly giving the group his full attention. “Every week, but you better do it.”

 

“Yes, sir.” Natasha said, satisfied.  She was one of the lucky few allowed to barter with Nick. “Over and out.”

 

Nick hung up, and at that moment, Sam woke up from his nap, and practically screamed, “Loki!”

  
  


As Natasha did her best to recover from the mild heart attack that Sam’s random outburst gave her, Sam stretched and rubbed his face. He sat down at the dining table, as Natasha set down his plate in front of him, one arm weighed down by Bruce’s taxing weight.

 

“What the hell was that?” 

 

“I think I had a vision.” Sam said, picking up his fork.

 

“Like a psychic?” Natasha asked him. “You had a vision like a psychic?”

 

“Yeah. No. I don’t know.” Sam replied, beginning to dig into his meal. “It was a really vivid dream.”

 

“What was it?” Natasha sat down in front of him.   
  


But Sam didn’t answer, as he was gasping down his food without so much as a pause. Syrup dripped down his chin.

  
  


“It’s gotta be him,” Sam insisted, while they were waiting for the video screen to load. “I’d put money on it.”

 

“No one said it wasn’t.” Natasha said, trying to wrangle Banner. “So chill out.”

 

“From the bottom of my heart,” said Loki, his greasy hair glinting in the light. “My bad.”

-

“Why?” Natasha fumed, her fists clenching and unclenching in anger, as she glared into Loki’s  beady eyes. “Why would you do this?”

 

Every part of him looked like a humanoid version of a ferret, down to the wicked glint in his eyes and his thin cracked lips spread in a simpering smile. “I was, what you humans would perceive to be a teenager, in my young thousands-”

 

“Thousands!” Sam spluttered.

 

“I gave Thor the alcohol as a birthday gift. I was outcasted and-”

 

“Wha- birthday gift?” Natasha hollered.

 

“-relentlessly aggravated by Thor and his never-ending overconfidence, his persistent entitlement to what should’ve been rightfully mine!”

 

During his rant, his ivory pallor had heated to a pink, and from a pink to a tomato-red.

 

“He was a bother, everyday of my life. An idiot and an embarrassment! I wanted to teach him a lesson he would never forget!” Loki seethed, casting triumphant looks in Toddler-Thor’s direction. “And I truly don’t think that he will, though it didn’t have the effect i was hoping for;  I believed my dear brother missed the expiry date.”

 

“Expiration date?” Steve wondered. “It still worked, though.”

 

“Not the way it was  _ supposed  _ to.”  Loki huffed and rolled his eyes in derision. “It was supposed to  _ kill  _ him.”

 

“What!” Natasha shrieked. “What the hell? Why would you do that?”

 

“Have you all gone deaf in the span of 30 seconds?” Loki sneered. “I  _ said _ that I was only a few thousand years old. I was in  _ that _ phase, you know.”

 

He said it in such a blasé way as to imply that they had all been in the phase of wanting to murder their brothers.

 

“Oh sure. Yeah, abso-fucking-lutely.” Steve said. “As we all have been at one time.”

 

Natasha asked, panic-stricken and clutching Thor’s little wrist in her hand. “What if it still kills them?”

 

Loki frowned. The color had drained from his face, when he had told them of the true nature of the poison, it had blanched even further than the white it was in the first place. “I don’t know.”

 

“Oh, Jesus,” Sam groaned, plopping down on the couch and burying his face in his hands. “Oh, Christ.”

 

“I would save your blasphemy.” Loki said calmly sticking out his hands in a placating gesture, like he was patting down dirt under his palms. “If it hasn’t killed him, he won’t die.” 

 

“How do you know that?” Steve asked. “You said it yourself, you were a ‘teenager’ when you made this… this… potion.”

 

“That’s fair,” Loki confessed. “But can you really say that much has changed for me? I mean, really,  _ really  _ say, without a shadow of a doubt, that much has changed for me since I was younger? By the looks of it, not much has changed for him either. He passed out the alcohol, eagerly, with no regard for it being a trap. He was always so eager to be the life of the party.”

 

Natasha thought hard, remembering back to Thor’s gung-ho division of the alcohol. They were having fun that night, gambling that no ambitious villain would threaten the safety of the world while they partied at their headquarters. She gave a thoughtful glance at Steve, who’s jaw twitched as he ground his teeth together, the Cogs of Fury turning in his head. He rubbed Bucky’s fat little leg, anxiously.

 

“Do you have the antidote?” Nat asked. “Do you know how to fix this?”

 

“I… do… not. Sadly.” Loki said, though he didn’t seem to have an ounce of compassion. “I never made one.”

 

“You never made one?” Nat said, slowly. “Why the hell wouldn’t you make an antidote?”

 

“Because,” Loki rolled his eyes again, pulling a wet clump of hair from his forehead. “If all had gone well, he would’ve died. An antidote would be of no use.” 

 

“On his damn birthday.” Sam shook his head in disdain. “You’re evil.”

 

Loki shrugged.  “Look on the bright side! I know that human beings like to do such things.”

 

“What’s that?” Sam grumbled.

 

“It will only last for a few… oh, nevermind.”

 

“What?” Natasha asked frantically. “What?! How long will it last?”

 

Loki explained, “I was going to say that it would last a week, but our weeks are a lot longer than yours. So it would be more correct to presume that this should last for a few hundred days.”

 

“So,” Steve growled, slowly. “This is going to last for a year? Is what you’re saying to us.”

 

“That is right. I genuinely wish you all the best, and, again. My bad.” Loki said, running his fingers through his limp black hair. He asked someone off camera, “Are we done?”

 

The screen went back, and Natasha could see her own horrified face looking back at her. And beside her, straining her grip with his curious tugging, she could see Thor. So little, a fraction of his usual brawn.

 

Steve sniffed loudly, rubbing Bucky’s back. “So..”

 

Sam finished, “So… that’s it, I guess.”

 

“You’re just going to give up?” Steve accused him. “That’s it?”

 

“Do  _ you  _ have the antidote for this potion, or spell, or whatever-the-hell, Steve?”

 

Steve frowned. Then, he shook his head. “No But Loki might.”

 

Natasha stared at him, in confusion. “An antidote...for a potion that was supposed to kill him? I know that Loki isn’t that stupid.”

 

Natasha had a point, Steve thought. No one would make an antidote for a potion they made to kill someone, as that was kind of redundant. But that meant that they were out of options. The team were stuck like babies, for a year.

 

“Damn.” Steve sighed, sadly. “Damn it, damn it, damn it.”

-

“At one point,” Sam said, unprompted, while Natasha was making snacks for the babies. “They’re going to need diapers.”

 

Natasha cast a glance down at Baby Banner, who was using Nat’s legs to prop himself up. They had wrapped him and Bucky in dishrag, and knotted them with rubber bands. They were both naked, otherwise. Their fat stomachs poking out over the dishrag. Thor was in a pair of Steve’s underpants (which Steve did not agree with), tied in the back with an elastic hair band. He was laying on the floor, fiddling with Sam’s phone.

 

Natasha reached down and offered Banner a piece of banana, which he took and mashed in his little hands. 

 

“Yeah, definitely. And clothes, and toys.” 

 

Steve entered the kitchen, carrying Bucky. “What?”

 

“Toys.” Natasha said, “And diapers.”

 

“What about them?” Steve said. 

 

“We need them,” Natasha replied, feeding Banner some more banana, and turning to offer some to Bucky. Bucky turned away from her hand, burying his face in Steve’s shoulder. “One of them is going to poop, soon.”

 

Steve shrugged, taking the piece of banana from Natasha’s hand and popping it in his mouth. “Probably. I’ll go to the store in a few minutes.”

 

When his phone suddenly began vibrating like crazy, Steve dug in his pocket for it, and took a glance at the screen. 

 

“What is this?” He asked after a moment, showing Sam the screen.

 

His hangover in it’s final stages, Sam squinted, staring at a random series of messages apparently sent from Sam’s phone, the content of which were nothing but random letters and numbers, and a few emojis.

 

Sam marched over to Thor and snatched his phone back.

-

With great difficulty, and a fit of sobs, Steve left Bucky behind to go on a store run. He clung to the silence of the car ride, knowing that it would be over when he went home, and remain so for a year.

In tough times, he could always turn to Target, their low prices, and endless amount of things he could buy. Steve’s therapist suggested spending as a treat, to help him adjust to the bright and shiny new age, that he was dropped into. It more so reminded him of the age he could never return to.

 

He never came around to shopping malls (fire hazards, panic attacks and flashbacks, too many possible casualties) and retail clothing stores (they were made for men with less...muscle mass than he possessed)- but Target? Target was magical. It smelled nice, was clean, had space if something should happen, where he would need to fight amongst the aisles, and was stocked with every single object known to man. It was rivaled only by Costco, the only store (it seemed) where one could get a years worth of one thing. No one on his team understood his enthusiasm, it seemed. Maybe it was simply echoes of a bygone era, a time when no one seemed to have what they needed to survive. 

 

He got out of the car, locked it behind him, and whistled all the way into the store.

-

He had no clue there were so many types of diapers. Brands, sizes, ages, textures, designs.

 

_ Why would a baby give a hoot?  _ Steve said. He didn’t know much about babies, but he knew that preference wasn’t a thing that they had. 

 

He realized that he was going to have to spend money on three different kinds of diapers: “little baby”, “larger baby” and “toddler that could walk”. He threw the boxes into the cart, and pushed it over to the next aisle. Bottles and cups, teething rings, bibs, and pacifiers lined the shelves, dauntingly. There was so much...shit. Who needed that much shit for a baby? Steve would, at least, need one thing of each for Bucky and Banner, and he threw them into the cart. They would come back later, and he would be much calmer with his team on either side of him. 

 

For Banner and Bucky, he threw some clothes in, too- a few pairs of onezies and some tiny little socks- some formula and baby snacks. 

 

For Thor, he began to drift into the section filled with things for bigger kids. Steve’s eye caught on a pajama set with lightning bolts all over them, and he became almost childishly excited. He deliberately took them from the rack, and placed them gently in the cart. He found some shirts, and some pants. Topping it all off with a some toys to distract him, Steve was finally done, and ready to clean his hands of the whole shopping adventure.

 

Steve pretended to not notice how suspicious he looked- a brawny adult man with a full beard and hair like a sasquatch, face in Bitch-Mode, cart loaded to the brim with baby junk.

 

The young cashier stared up at him with awe in her eyes. “Are- How’s your day?” She squeaked.

 

“Long.” Steve grunted.

 

She moved carefully past him to ring up his items, scanning her little black gun thing up and down the barcodes, until she told him the final cost.

 

As she handed him her receipt, she whispered, “Are you… Captain America?”

 

Pulling his cart behind him, he replied a stoic, “Not tonight, kid.”

 

The scent of garlic and bread filled his nostrils when he walked into the tower. Natasha came around the corner holding a slice of pizza, and Banner over her shoulder, smacking on a piece of garlic bread. “Sam!”

 

Sam came bounding around the corner, also holding a slice. “You’re back!”

 

Steve hiked a leg up under the box of diapers he had carried inside. “Can you come help me get this stuff out of the car?” 

 

“And he comes bearing gifts!” Natasha said.

 

Sam chewed his pizza slowly, and appraised the box of diapers. “Okay, let me put this down.”

-

Steve’s stomach was growling, but he tended to the matter at hand, first- getting the babies dressed. He handed a diaper to Natasha and she changed Banner on the kitchen counter, the bread chunk still in his hand. Bucky was an easy change- as he was passed out on the couch.

 

Steve whipped out all of Thor’s new gifts, and showed them to him, one by one. Thor was practically trembling with excitement as he stared at his presents.

 

“Do you like them?” Steve asked. He was getting excited, too- though he really didn’t know why. None of these things were his, but he hadn’t seen someone happy like that, in a long time.

 

“Yes!” Thor shrieked, jumping up and down, and running around in circles. 

 

Bucky stirred on the couch, groaning softly in his sleep. 

 

Thor snatched the lightning bolt pajamas from Steve, and held them up like a trophy. He waved them around in the air, and tried shove them on his body.

 

“Whoa, whoa.” Steve said, though he was laughing. “Let’t get some underwear on, first, buddy.”

When Thor was dressed, and invested in his new toys. Steve sat down for dinner- a wide-awake Bucky on his lap.  The pizza was cold, and so was the bread, but Steve didn’t care, and Bucky didn’t either, his little hand reaching for the portions that Steve cut just for him, and jamming them into his little mouth. 

-

“Where are they going to sleep?” Natasha asked. Banner was sleeping on her shoulder, and Thor was at her side, hardly able to keep his head up.

 

“Where am  _ I  _ going to sleep?” Sam asked. “Not on that couch. It’s like a hospital bed, and I don’t think my neck can handle it-”

 

“I have an air mattress,” Natasha said. “And Banner can sleep on the other side of my bed.”

 

“Yeah, but where is Thor going to sleep?” 

 

Natasha thought hard, weighing all options. Maybe Steve should have bought a crib. Thor was leaning heavily against her thigh, and Natasha knew they didn't have long.

 

Steve yawned, beginning to get more tired than he knew how to deal with. 

 

Natasha reached down to pat Thor’s little blonde head, softly. “Who do you want to sleep with, Thor?”

 

And Thor pointed at Steve. Great.

 

“Let’s just put all of them in my room.” Steve sighed “And just be done with it.”

 

Natasha blew up the air mattress for Steve, and Sam lined the sides of Steve’s bed with pillows. “So they don’t fall off.”

 

The babies fell asleep almost immediately, and Steve longingly wished for the same.   
  


Nat pushed the air mattress to the side of the bed, and raised her hands, as if to say, “That’s all, folks.”

 

Steve fell over like a big tree, onto the air mattress, not seeing when Nat and Sam went away to her room. He sighed in relief, and so did his limbs, releasing all of the tension they had been accumulating over the entire day. His eyes drifted shut of their own accord, his body floating along that river of sound and sweet and soft.

 

Something broke the silence. He groggily cracked one eye open, and listened to the sound of Bucky fussing. 

 

The day had begun.

 

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on my marvel blog @auntmaylovebot


End file.
